Trauma-Informed Care in Adoption

Adoption is rewarding and beautiful, but it comes with its own unique set of challenges.

Many adopted children live with trauma, which refers to ongoing emotional effects from threatening or upsetting situations. Children adopted in childhood or adolescence may have experienced neglect, abuse, or instability. Even those who were adopted from birth experience the loss of their birth family, which is traumatic even if they have no memories of them. 

These experiences leave their mark and may show up in unexpected ways, sometimes many years after the traumatic event. Trauma has been found to cause lasting changes in the brain that affect memory, attention, learning, sleep, and how a person responds to stress. In some children, trauma may lead to self-harm, depression, social isolation, or other destructive behaviors.

Parenting an adopted child with trauma can be difficult, especially if you do not know their history. Your child may act out for reasons that are impossible to understand, and you may feel frustrated or powerless to help them. Traditional parenting advice may not be effective.

While we recommend seeking professional treatment as well, you can make things easier for your child by learning about trauma-informed care, which involves learning to gain your child’s trust and offering them a safe space where they can work toward recovery.

What is Trauma-Informed Care? The 5 Core Principles for Parents

Trauma-informed care starts with an understanding of how traumatic events in your child’s past may affect their current emotions and behaviors.

1. Safety (Physical and Emotional)

For children who have spent time in unstable living situations, it may take time to feel completely at ease in a new home. Even seemingly minor actions, objects, or unexpected places may trigger reactions linked to traumatic memories. Knowing your child’s history can help you avoid these triggers, but this information may not always be available.
Little things like talking in a calm voice, offering hugs and smiles, and spending time together as a family can help your child learn to relax and feel safe. Without pressuring them, let your child know that you are there to listen in a non-judgmental way whenever they feel ready to open up. Reassure them that traumatic events from the past were not their fault, and that it is ok to cry or be sad.

2. Trustworthiness and Transparency

Adopted children may have learned that they cannot trust anyone, particularly if they were neglected or abused or have never enjoyed the luxury of a permanent home. You can help them unlearn these feelings by being reliable and predictable. Following through on your promises helps your child see that they can trust you.

3. Choice and Collaboration

For children who have historically felt powerless, it can mean the world to have control over simple choices. Let them decide between the red sweater and the blue sweater, or offer them the choice of orange juice or milk. The goal is to gradually restore your child’s sense of agency — just be mindful that offering decisions above their maturity level may feel overwhelming.

4. Empowerment

Celebrating small wins can help boost your child’s confidence and increase their resilience. Offer praise for remembering to feed the dog, working hard on a school project, or being nice to a classmate. 

You can also try playing to your child’s natural strengths to help build their self-esteem. You may buy them a watercolor paint set if they like making art, or encourage their sense of community by joining a volunteer group together. Having a special activity to take an interest in can help them blossom.

5. Connection and Peer Support

A crucial component of healing from trauma is having a strong support network. When you adopt a child, you are the most important person in that support network. As your child starts to learn that they can rely on you, this paves the way for wider connections to friends and other adults like teachers.

Children who have frequently changed homes may have lost touch with siblings, pets, neighbors, friends, teachers, relatives, and other people they were close to. Where it is safe and appropriate, consider helping your child stay in contact with trusted loved ones.

Putting It Into Practice: Everyday Strategies for Healing

There are a few simple strategies you can use to start providing trauma-informed care to your child.

Prioritize Connection Over Correction

When faced with a trigger, primal fight-or-flight instincts take over, and your child may not be in control of their reactions. If your child seems to be overreacting or shutting down, the first step is to try to calm their nervous system and help them regain control of their emotions. Depending on the situation, you may reassure your child by saying:

• “You look sad. I’m here to listen if you need to talk.”
• “I can understand you being angry. Take all the time you need.”
• “You seem scared. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you.”

Trauma responses may take the form of a temper tantrum in younger children, or a violent outburst in older children and teens. Try to resist escalating the situation by becoming angry or forceful, raising your voice, or using physical punishment. 

Instead, give your child space and time to calm down. Provide positive reinforcement by offering praise when they express themselves in more constructive ways, such as by calmly explaining why they are upset.

This may take patience, but remember that your child is not acting out on purpose, and the behavior doesn’t reflect on you as a parent. It’s simply the product of their past experiences, and it will improve over time as they learn to feel safe again.

Become a “Feelings Detective”

It can help to take a moment and look for the reason behind your child’s outburst. In many cases, it may be due to an easily fixable situation like hunger, fatigue, or sensory overload. Without making them feel pressured, try asking them for clues. For example, you might ask:

• “I can see you’re frustrated because you can’t tie your shoe. Can I help you try again?”
• “It’s been a while since we ate lunch. Do you think a snack would help?”
• “It’s getting late. Are you tired?”

In other cases, triggers that remind them of their past may be making your child feel afraid or sad. Let them know that you are there to support them.

Create Predictable Routines and Rituals

Routines help your child know what to expect, which gives them a sense of control and helps the world feel less chaotic. 

As much as possible, try to keep regular schedules in your child’s day-to-day life. This may look like preparing an after-school snack every day when they get home, playing or going for a walk together, eating dinner as a family at the same time every evening, and reading a story before bed. 

Smooth over any changes in the routine by telling your child in advance so they have time to prepare mentally.

Master the Art of Co-regulation

Co-regulation is when two people in a relationship are influenced by each other’s feelings and actions. Within your relationship with your child, you can help them regulate their own emotions by being like the safe harbor in a storm. Seeing you keep calm naturally calms them down and sets an alternative example of how to react in difficult situations.

Concrete actions you can take to calm their nervous system include deep breathing and speaking in a slow, soothing voice.

Real-Life Scenarios: A Trauma-Informed Parenting Approach in Action

Scenario 1: A Meltdown Over a “No”

Every day after school, you and your child go play in the park after school. Today, you come home from work late and there’s no time to go to the park. Your child throws a temper tantrum and screams that they hate you.

• Traditional Approach: “Stop crying! You don’t always get what you want. Go to your room.”
• Trauma-Informed Approach: “You are so disappointed we can’t go to the park. I’m sorry I had to work late. It’s okay to feel sad. Let’s sit together for a minute. Do you need a hug?”

Before you adopted them, your child might have experienced caregivers not keeping their word. When you came home late from work and weren’t able to go to the park, this reminded them of other times when they couldn’t count on their caregiver, and this is why they overreacted. By reassuring them that you are there for them, they know they can trust you and that you didn’t mean to abandon them.

Scenario 2: Lying About a Broken Toy

You find the pieces of a broken toy hidden in your child’s closet. When you confront them about it, they say they don’t know how they got there, and that their sibling must have done it. You know they’re not telling the truth.

• Traditional Approach: “Why did you lie to me? You’re grounded for breaking the toy and for lying.”
• Trauma-Informed Approach: “I see the toy is broken. I wonder if you were scared to tell me what happened. It’s my job to keep you safe, even when you make mistakes. Let’s figure this out together.”

For children who grew up in physically abusive households, the thought of punishment may be especially frightening. Your child might have lied about breaking the toy to avoid being hit or otherwise punished. You can help soothe them by letting them know that you still love them and you will work through the problem as a team.

Caring for the Caregiver: Your Own Well-being Matters

Even if you have the best intentions, it can be emotionally tiring to parent a child with trauma. If you yourself have experienced trauma in the past, you may also find some situations triggering. 

Studies show that adoptive parents fare better when they themselves are happier, so be sure to prioritize your own self-care as well as your child’s. Try to get enough sleep, exercise, and healthy food. Schedule time for yourself where you can rest and recharge through meditation, journaling, or reading a book. 

Connecting with other adoptive parents or joining support groups can help you feel less alone and give you a space to share stories, advice, and words of encouragement. Many parents also find it helpful to seek professional counseling.

Resources and Next Steps

Working through trauma takes time. It is not realistic to expect your child to feel safe and comfortable in your home right off the bat, and it is not uncommon for children to regress from time to time. Try not to take it personally if your child has trouble opening up or if they seem to be irrationally angry with you. As you continue to support them and show them that they can count on you, they will gradually begin to trust you. 

In many cases, trauma can have lasting effects on development or mental health. Unpacking these effects often requires help from licensed therapists or other professional care providers. These experts can share strategies and carry out specific therapy approaches developed with trauma survivors in mind. Research shows that adoptive parents who receive specialized support have a higher success rate.

Ask your child’s doctor to refer you to an appropriate therapist. There are also online resources that can help get you started:

• Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development: Understanding Trust-Based Relational Intervention
• Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.): Therapy and training tools
• Child Welfare Information Gateway: Trauma-informed care resources and first-person stories
• Families Rising (formerly North American Council on Adoptable Children): Access to resources and support groups
• https://adoption.com/support-groups-adoptive-parents/ 
• https://adoption.com/parenting/
• https://adoption.com/bonding-and-attachment-when-it-goes-right/ 
• https://adoption.com/adopting-a-teenager/